College and parents: striking a balance

NOTE: Adaptations of the following commentary appeared in The Hartford Courant on September 1, 2008, and in The Providence Journal on September 6, 2008.

By Jacqueline Kiernan MacKay
Associate Dean of Undergraduate Studies
Director of Parent Programs

Each fall, thousands of first-year college students descend on campuses ready to unpack belongings, rearrange room furnishings, and meet roommates. Not unexpectedly, this move-in ritual can be an emotional experience for students and parents. For students, it brings the excitement and anxiety that accompany change as they begin the transition from high school to college. 

And for parents? They, too, are experiencing a mix of emotions. Most have made substantial personal and financial investments for this day to arrive. Many have spent the last year visiting colleges, navigating the admission process, and dealing with the pain of rejection and the celebration of good news. They've been shopping, packing, and attending to the many details associated with their student's "big move."

This generation of parents is often termed "helicopter parents." They are perceived as overly involved in their students' lives and hover above, waiting to swoop down and rescue their student at the first sign of conflict or disappointment. Needless to say, this depiction can contribute to an adversarial relationship between parents and their student's institution.

Colleges are recognizing that parent/child relationships are much more complex. Just as there are difficult students, there are difficult parents -- and some whose behavior crosses the line. Stories abound of the parent who calls the residence life office and demands an immediate roommate change, the mom who calls the dean because of her son's disappointment with a final grade, or a father who contacts a vice president to complain that the college's disciplinary process treated his student unfairly.

The majority of parents, however, are simply behaving as they always have -- in what they consider the best interest of their student. From grades Kindergarten through 12, parents are encouraged to be involved in their child's education. Parents are continuing to do what they have done as active participants in their student's lives: chauffeur students to soccer games, volunteer in their schools, and vigilantly attend teacher-parent conferences.

The ubiquitous use of cell phones, e-mail, and instant messaging makes it possible for students and parents to communicate more frequently and more immediately. A study conducted in 2006 by College Parents of America revealed that one out of every three parents communicated with their child daily. Some 74% communicated with their son or daughter at least two or three times a week.

This generation of college students also wants and invites parental input. In a recent survey by the College Board and the Art & Science Group, LLC, "a sizable segment of college-bound high school seniors indicated they wanted their parents more (not less) involved in the college search process." Research compiled by the National Survey of Student Engagement revealed that almost 40% of freshmen have had a parent or guardian intervene on their behalf to solve a problem at college.

In response to this increased level of parental involvement, many colleges have developed resources specifically for parents such as hotlines, Web sites, and newsletters. Although such initiatives are well intended, they can contribute to parents hearing mixed messages about their role. Parents of first-year students are often confused about how to respond when their student calls with a problem. Should they just listen and offer support? Should they get on the phone and call the dean? Should they visit campus and seek immediate relief?

This is the fragile balance college administrators face: providing appropriate information to parents while at the same time attempting to enhance their understanding of the important developmental stages of young adults. Rather than overwhelming parents with lots of information (which often leads to more confusion about the expected level of involvement), colleges are using parent orientation and family weekend programs to converse with parents about how to recognize the signs of over-involvement and discern when to intervene and when to step back.     

At Providence College, where I have been involved in parent programming for many years, we help first-year parents understand their new role as a mentor or facilitator -- listening, providing encouragement, brainstorming options, and putting responsibility for decision-making on the student. This role is in stark contrast to the "quick fix" approach, where the parent takes command of a situation and seeks an immediate resolution. 

For their part, parents need to learn how to strike a balance between appropriate involvement and interference. They need to have confidence in their parenting skills and realize they have set the foundation for their students to go on to the next stage of life. By being mindful of their boundaries from the beginning, parents can help prepare their sons and daughters for increased autonomy. By sharing with students their expectations and the potential consequences of the choices students make about personal safety, alcohol, and dealing with new freedoms, parents can have an impact on their student's development well beyond the college years.

Colleges have many support services available -- tutorial programs, counseling and career resources, health centers -- but many first-year students are reluctant to seek them out. Some students perceive asking for help as a weakness. For others, who have never sought assistance before, it is simply not within their comfort zone. One of the most important things parents can do is encourage students to identify and use campus resources. 

Validating their fears, sharing information about a specific resource, and supporting students as they make campus connections are all part of this process. When parents call, I often suggest they role-play with their student as to how the student can make an appointment with a specific college office. This validates the parents' role and reinforces an appropriate level of involvement while providing the necessary tools for parents to help students learn how to advocate for themselves.

When colleges and parents work together to create a positive climate of parental involvement, students benefit. Perhaps that image of the hovering helicopter on high alert can be replaced with a more apt illustration: a helicopter waiting on a launching pad, available to provide appropriate aid when a student calls for assistance or advice.

END

Jacqueline Kiernan MacKay is an associate dean of undergraduate studies and director of Parent Programs at Providence College. She is the co-author, with Dr. Wanda S. Ingram, senior associate dean of undergraduate studies at Providence College, of Let the Journey Begin: A Parents' Monthly Guide to the College Experience (Houghton Mifflin, New York, 2002)